I am an Irish Catholic gay man, born and raised in West Brighton. Catholic school educated. In the first grades the nuns taught me from the Baltimore catechism, that God loves me and he wants me to be happy. I was an altar boy and embraced my Catholic religion. I considered becoming a priest and won the religion medal at graduation.
I went to a Catholic high school where I developed feelings I did not fully understand. I always enjoyed talking with the girls but I never had the fantasies the other boys had about girls. I had to look up the word homosexual in a dictionary and there I was.
I was a senior in high school and I was all alone. Ten years before Stonewall Revolution. Could not talk to my parents, my classmates, and I did not know any one else like myself. I talked to a priest he told me to take cold showers, to pray and the feelings would go away. I was seeing a girl at the time and I prayed The only thing that went away was the girl.
What I learned in the first grades now had an appendage, “God love everyone, except me." There is no worse feeling than thinking that God did not love me, there was no one to pray to.
The loneliness, the emotional emptiness, with no one to talk with. Awful! I am glad the Verrazzano Bridge had not been completely built back then so I could not jump to kill the pain.
When I was 21, I was faced with a problem, military service. I did not want to admit it, I did not want to move to Canada, I did not want to leave my family. I bit the bullet and joined, knowing that if my secret got out I could be thrown out, disgraced, humiliated and tarnished for life.
I am proud to say that when I pass on I will have a flag on my coffin
When I returned home I found other gay men. We had a core group. I was not alone. We partied, drank in Manhattan and laughed together. Over time, they passed on. AIDS took some, some drank themselves to death. A few years ago there was only two of us left. He committed suicide. In 1984 Lambda Associates of Staten Island was founded, the first gay and lesbian organization on the Island. I joined and found new friends and solace.
With names like Meehan, Walsh and Grandmother Molly Farley in my heritage I joined the Ancient Order of Hibernians, proud of my Irish roots. I became active. When the AOH was trying to attract the younger generation I founded the Miss Hibernian Pageant in 1979. Still, Miss Hibernian is the Queen of the parade down Forest Avenue.
I organized a 25th anniversary memorial mass on November 22, 1988 for President John F. Kennedy. JFK was the first Irish Catholic president and was my Commander in Chief while in the service. Bishop Patrick Ahearn presided over the Mass in St. Peter’s R.C. Church.
A few years later a controversy began in Manhattan when a gay Irish group wanted to march in the St. Patrick’s Parade. As the annual controversy heightened, my interest in the AOH lessened. I have marched with the John F. Kennedy division of the island’s AOH up Fifth Ave. and marched on Forest Avenue with the Knights of Columbus. I love the parade. Our family looks forward to it every March. At times it falls on my March 4th birthday and that is a double treat for me.
As our island controversy grows I want to speak out for the young Irish lads and lassies who may be struggling with their sexual identity. To the timid fair colleens, confused being different and feel regulated to the curb, to watch the parade pass them by, don’t feel ashamed. The shame is that the AOH won’t recognize the diversity of our island’s population.
I recall many gay and lesbian youth who have been disowned by their own family. Many move into Manhattan to be who they are. Sadly, some can’t cope and kill themselves. Anyone struggling with their sexual identity can call the Pride Center. You will not find them in the parade’s line of march, banned, but online at www.PrideCenterSI.org.
No one should feel the traumatic pain of isolation.
James Smith is a St. George resident.
Editor’s note: The following is a statement from Neil F. Cosgrove, National Irish American Heritage Month and Political Education Chairman of the Ancient Order of Hibernians: “Recent news reports have incorrectly reported that the AOH administers the Staten Island St. Patrick’s Day Parade. This is factually incorrect, the parade in question is administered by the “Richmond County St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee, Inc.” which per its corporate filing has been in existence for 27 years.”